Sunday, December 21, 2014

last words ending the tenure

i dont know whether this is the right time to speak about this matter.. 
but i guess i have to say something..

it was the hardest decision that i have to make as i remembered... if u guys think that i made the decision without considering anything, not it was not. it troubled me for months and even after the decision made i was still unsure of my decisions. i was thinking hard on it. some may be aware on my changes as a result that i was really affected on it.
it concerns on my beloved friend whom i respected and saluted.. he is the best in his work and i cannot deny on his good work and abilities. i cannot be thankful enough on what he has done, his big contributions.. never in my mind to be zalim on him or not giving him what he supposed to get.. because i had a friend, my bestfriend who was also experiencing the same thing 2 years ago.. the most painful thing had happened on him.. org2 lama mesti paham sape yg sy maksudkan dan aware hubungan yg macam mana yg sy ada dgn dia.. logic thinking, xkan sy nk ulang balik kejadian yg sama..

however, i have to be fair with others too. i cannot deny the rights that the others can get too.. i'm doings things according to the procedures and the requirements also syura with others.. everyone on the team given their agreement..

but i believed on qadak and qadar. everything have been determined by Allah. if it is belong to him, surely no matter what happens, its going to be him. if its not belong to him, no matter how i want it to be him, its not going to be happen also without Allah's will. 

and i also know, because of this i lost a meaningful friend to mine. n also know because of this also everyone put a hatred feeling to me that i need to bear and assumed me negatively which some of them are not true. cth talam dua muka, betrayer and other things..

apologies deeply from my heart.. anything that troubled u, please come direct to me. 
thank you.

Monday, October 20, 2014

WAJADIRI NASIONAL 2014; silat cekak hanafi


This semester i'm taking an elective course, Sport Psychology. it is kind of interesting to know what sport psychology is. and interestingly since i am also involved in sport particularly in martial art, i am very eager to know how can I contribute back to my team and to the club (Persatuan Seni Silat Cekak Hanafi IIUM). Furthermore, i am also entitled as one of the coaches to teach this martial art to the students.

So far, what i have been learning in class, which one of them is motivation aspect, i think it was somehow very important to the martial artist, especially to those who always involved in competition and tournament, and not to forget to those who always be in the demonstration or performance team.

reminiscing back my experience when i involved in national tournament this year in University Terengganu Malaysia and years before (UTP and others), there were so much aspects that made me realized how important it is to work hard, put your heart into it, have a great team and partner as well as supporting coaches. even though this year tournament was not my first time, however, i still have the biggest butterfly in my stomach during the tournament.

i think the most puzzled thing for me was every time i entered a tournament, my performance during my training time was 2 times or in fact three times better than in the actual day tournament.

the feeling when u don't even think that there were people in your surrounding.

i guess it may be due to much anxiety or maybe i don't have the appropriate level of anxiety (or not being anxious at all) that i should have before i start my 'fight'.

that made me think that you should have at least a bit of anxiety and not be overly confident (i'm not being overconfident though) so that you can always be an a'bid (Allah's servant) whom always looks up for HIM to grant you wishes and greatly hoping that He would give you the best outcome. Of course after you have been implemented the 'ikhtiar', the efforts, du'a and lastly being tawakkal. i strongly believe in that.

what happened was when i felt nervous during the competition, i know that everything would be okay. when i felt nervous, i gain my confidence. i guess by being nervous it helps me to have a positive self thought due to my past experiences. based on previous experiences, i realized that, if i have the appropriate level of nervousness and anxiety then usually the outcome will be good compared to when i didnt feel nervous. however, it was bit dangerous if at that moment i cant control my anxiety where later the outcome will be different.

and Alhamdulillah, me and my partner were able to bring back Gold Medal this year for our university. even though we were not able to get IIUM to be the best university in the tournament, but we are still thankful enough.

one of the best days of my life, i was was also received the award of the Best Martial Artist of Silat Cekak Hanafi in National Level (Women), somehow like that. i was given the award of Pesilat Harapan Wanita Negara (IPT). 

i was not even the closest expected candidate to won the award since there were too many people from other teams of other universities that are more worth it and deserve the award. not too look far, there are even better people in my team. it may be just my luck to being chosen.

thousand of thanks especially to my partner (kak Izzati Kamaruddin, also a Psychology major). she was the best among the best and i think without her i won't be able to get this opportunity. i was always think that the medal is for her.

major factor that may contribute to my confidence level and motivation undergo consistent training was the fact that i have a really wonderful training partner. Kak Izzati always made me think that i am capable to do what we supposed to do for the competition. before this, i always thought that i am not good at all compared to the others teammates. our trainings was never felt like a 'hell' , neither i'm regretting or whining about it even though you could see all the bruises all over our bodies. during the period before the tournament, i always looked up when is the next training schedule with her.

the happiness that was shared together. that was the sweetest moment.
i was also being called as 'kain buruk'  by our coaches due to our severe trainings.. kain buruk yg dilipat-lipat, dicampak-campak, diputar-putar macam kain buruk. luckily we never had head injury or break any parts of the body (exaggerating, of course). also, luckily we have never stabbed each other with the knife since we are using the knife as the weapon in the tournament. weapon?? lol.. haha.

it was so much excitement when thinking about it again since it will be my last tournament as i will be graduating soon. now focusing on being the coach and transfer the little knowledge that i have. I also hope that i can implement what ever i have been learning in the Sport Psychology courses to the martial art classes.

cant wait for the next Sport psyc class. and prepare some tissues cuz Dr Hari likes to make us cry.. haha. just kidding. (^_^).

Here are some of the pictures during the few last tournaments. 

acara papan sekeping
the bonding that we have, the joy that we shared, the happiness that everyone felt.


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

last semester in UIA; the beginning

it has been so long after my last post. i'm not a person who write well nor speak well..

from the first day of this sem till today, i have done too many behaviors that are not supposed to be shown.. haha.. i become clumsier than ever, become lazier than ever, ineffective in certain tasks and the perfect word for my situation now is i'm demotivated. losing the motivation to keep continuing what i do..
or u can say, highly depressed?

problems? yup! everyone do have problems. but perhaps the level of the stressors/problems vary on each and everyone or perhaps ur coping strategies are not good enough. 

i no longer the student who do tasks well, who perform well..
(i'm talking about the outcome here)

sebelum ni, setakat 3 meeting dalam satu hari tak termasuknya dengan discussion for group asssignments tak ada hal la.. walaupun fizikal penat tapi mental proses jalan elok lagi.. seblum ni, 2-3 program serentak aku kena handle, hasilnya as hoped. ok sahaja alhamdulillah!  sebelum ni, mampu pergi training silat tiap2 malam lepas habis discussion/meeting sampai kul 1 pagi, esoknya pergi kelas macam biasa je.. belum lagi aktiviti-aktiviti lain macam jadi research assistant, kerja part time sambil2, jadi mainboard untuk 2 organisasi kelab, dengan ambik 21 credit hournya...

nak cerita benda lama memang senang.. tapi masih tidak membantu meng'up'kan diri yang tengah 'down' ni.  mungkin jiwanya sudah tiada.. maybe no more passion left.. semangat yang hilang. hurm!

the best thing is now i'm a final year student but until now i still do not know what i want to do for my future. to those who know what u want to do, and already working on it, i am very jealous of u!! all the best guys!

i realized my problems and i realized the overt behaviors and thoughts that resulted from it. but i still do have hope to recover to my initial state.. be the usual and extraordinary FENI..

this post might seems stressful to u or giving u a perception how depressing i am but
the reason for this post is that after some times i can take a look on this post and say " hey, i really did an amazing job on getting back on my legs and leave all those negativity"

i hope someday i can say it proudly that i have gone through some downturn of my life..

ameen ya rabbal a'lamin..